THE 30 SCALE
My attempt to quantify the coolness of Major League baseball players.
Each player is rated on a scale of 0-30 based on the following factors.
CREDITS/DEBITS (ongoing and up for debate)
Refer to yourself in the 3rd person: 10 pts
Being misunderstood: 6-12 pts
Batting stance: 6-12 pts
Name: 6-20 pts
Japanese pitchers: 1 pt
Japanese pos. players: 3 pts
Music that plays while you walk up to the plate: 1-8 pts
History of mental instability: 6-8 pts
Being Mike Stanton: -30 pts
Being Jeff Nelson: -30 pts
Moustache: variable, usually negative
Hot wife: 3 pts
Anna Benson: -6 pts
Jose Lima's wife: 5 pts
World Series MVP: 2 pts
super baggy uniform: 0.5 pts
super tight uniform: 1 pt
Mike Cameron: 22
helmet w/ 2 ear flaps: -5 pts
2 sport athletes: 10 pts
flip-up sunglasses: -2 pts
wrap-around oakleys: -4 pts
No batting gloves: 2 pts
2 giant batting gloves a la Shinjo: -2 pts
frosted tips: -5 pts
Canadian citizenship: 1 pt
knuckleballer: 8 pts
"thing" baller: 10 pts
Ivy League college: 1 pt
Golden Spikes Award: -2 pts
being named Oddibie: 22 pts
being named Homer: 8 pts
drug abuse history: 8 pts
Olerud Fielding Helmet: 27 pts
Pointing to the sky after singles or walks: -8 pts
Power from unexpected position: 2 pts
unsolicited political opinions: -9 pts
pine tar helmet: -0.5 pts
Daryl Boston glasses: 8 pts
Korean position players: 4 pts
High socks: 1-3 pts
blue baseball glove: 1 pt
played in Japan: 2 pt
Piazza playing first base: 1 pt
running swing: 5 pts
recorded an album: variable
Al Martin Effect-- multiple families: 1 pt
combustible pitchers: 5 pts
talking to yourself on mound: 1-15 pts
Brad Penny Rule: unappealing, dumpy body: -2 pts
Dominance at plate: 10-20 pts
Dominance in RBI Baseball: 5 pts
Dave Stewart Look:Wearing cap jammed over eyes: 4 pts
Coco Crisp Look: wearing massive hat: 4 pts
CC Sabathia Look: wearing cap cocked to side: 3 pts
Mike Cameron look: Cap to side, jammed over eyes: 6 pts
blogging: variable. Negative till there's a good one
Travis Ishikawa rule: Pointing to sky after being hit by a pitch: -25 pts
Wild demonstrations after nailing down a save: variable. K-Rod definitely loses points, though.
Gold Gloves: variable. Lose points if you win them at 1B and P. Gain pts for GG at CF and SS.
Being referred to as a "good interview" by asshole media members: -3 pts
Being called a “blue collar” player by the Boston media, who, for some reason, feels the need to euphemistically compliment its white players for being white: -3 pts
Stealing Home: 1 pt
Stealing Home to win a game: 2 pts
Flamboyantly stealing home to show up the pitcher or catcher: 3 pts
Broadcast Careers: VAR
Spectacles: 5 pts
c. 2005 Angels reliever glasses: -5 pts
post season dominance: 8 pts
screaming profanities into glove: VAR
pro poker career: -3 pts
pitchers who inexplicably lose their stuff: 2 pts
pitchers who inexplicably lose their stuff and then reinvent themselves as position players: 5 pts
pitchers who hate pitching and only want to hit home runs (Greinke rule): 9 pts
dominance in Tecmo Bowl: 8 pts
dominance in Super Tecmo Bowl: 6 pts
The 30 Scale
FOLLOWING:
Yo, Should I Dump This Asshole?Yo, Is This Racist?nehru jacketsThis Is Where I Waste My TimeNatasha VCLaughing Squid LinksThis RecordingstopPABLOGLongreadsHumor TrainOakley & AllenNPRThe AtlanticWrite Right PublicationsAPE IN A CAPEGraybonesI don't know what I'm doingchumble spuzzWhen is lunch?The FeaturePATrubyEat More Bikesad hoc & copaseticdynamofire!you can't go home againMONEY, CASH, HO'S by David ChoClosed for the nightBelindaJFK LivesPresidents and Their DogsLisanti QuarterlySplit InfinitivesThe Chronological Supermanlulinternet.com[insert witty title here]you're a strange animalWipe Your FeetChoire SichaGreen Apple Booksbadly writtenDON'T STOP BEREAVINGO Song, are you leading me on?__________OFWGKTA__________pudding clubREMBLRF-Yeah Baby Animalscrazier than shirttailssomething in my veins bloodier than bloodJonathan Cape Graphic NovelsPitchfork Reviews ReviewsMark ArmstrongUntitledChonkyfireOrient Expressthe Mark PikeMolly LambertOld College TryYelling Into SpaceBlacktop FestivitiesOKMCBill Times a Billionone thing remainsmckayla is not impressedNo FungoesFelonious CatsI can't tell the future…I'm not that dope.KOPPAStuff Hipsters HateIs this real?THE SPARE MEDIUMkim jong-il looking at thingsRamble on RoseGet Banged OnOn The Bro'dAlex Kotch: Composer/DJ/ProducerSalman Rushdiethrillingham!MILLAR HIGHLIFEWolf Larsen
WHOEVER OWNS THIS IROC CAMARO W METALLICA DECAL… You blew my mind. (Taken with Instagram)
6:41 pm • 26 July 2012
Whenever I go to the salad bar at Whole Foods, I always end up eating a bunch of fluffy weightless things. Also, when I am in line and dreading the bill, I always think, “this fluffy salad that I hate will cost $100.” That way, when it costs $17, I don’t feel too bad.
12:35 pm • 24 July 2012
Wish it was 1997 so I could pimp my novel as a “double novel” a la wu tang forever and that huge bone thugz one (Taken with Instagram)
2:38 pm • 22 July 2012
Started off thinking “eww cold soba…” THEN I SCROLLED RIGHT!?!?! (Taken with Instagram)
3:36 pm • 11 July 2012
Is this weird for you? Do you want me to change my shirt? No no no. Maybe? (Taken with Instagram)
2:42 pm • 6 July 2012
I think I’m supposed to hate the arrangement of the chorus, but it’s kinda awesome?
(Source: Spotify)
11:34 am • 31 May 2012
ode to juicebox
Elegy for Juice Box
Oh, beady-eyed ogre in Yankee stripes,
How long must I shame-facedly applaud
The sheepish clod among the juicer types?
How long forgive your jerky swing, so flawed?
It’s been three seasons’ parts you’ve fouled my team
With greaseball hair, a vacant stare, and pair
of shrivelled balls. Have I for you such esteem
That I from you can not myself unsnare?
No more! Today I send you on your way,
Take your tattoos and phony bone spurs too.
I do not care to wait for Selig’s say
About your future in a league review.
I’ll miss your homers, but I shed no tear;
I hate you now with conscience clean and clear.
3:21 pm • 16 February 2010
